Thursday, January 15, 2009
The 2008 Pencil Awards
The time has come to hand out the first Annual Pencil Awards for the 2008 Year. Nominees from each category will be honored for their heroic and ignominious acts in the year that was 2008. Without further ado, here are this years Golden Pencil winners.
Terrell Owens Award for Biggest Distraction:
Sean Avery- Dallas Stars
Plaxico Burress- New York Giants
Stephon Marbury- New York Knicks
Manny Ramirez- Boston Red Sox/ LA Dodgers
The winner is: Stephon Marbury! Burress ruined the Giants season, but Starbury is the biggest distraction because the Knicks can do nothing with him. He just sits on the bench or in the stands each game with that stupid tattoo on his head and makes people mad. They can't play him or trade him because of his salary, and the team is horrible. Congratulations Stephon on the first ever Golden Pencil Award
Next up are the nominees for the Casey Dorne Award for biggest head:
Hideki Matsui- New York Yankees
Placido Polanco- Detroit Tigers
Antoine Walker- formerly of the Minnesota T'Wolves
Barry Bonds- UFA
And the winner is.....
Placido Polanco! Congratulations Placido, every time I see you on tv it is like an extra birthday present to see that giant dome of yours. Whenever Polanco is chewing gum, you can see his temples bulging and it just makes you wonder how much more of his head is hidden under that hat. He is possibly a distant relative of toadstool from Super Mario Brothers. Either that, or he's been drinking the same nerve tonic as Ken Griffey Jr. did in the Simpsons. Check it out:
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2295/2299173509_0e51b9ae6d_o.gif and http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3145/2456080406_2cbd62c501_o.jpg
The next award is the New Kids on the Block Award for the greatest comeback in 2008:
Josh Hamilton- Texas Rangers
Chad Pennington- Miami Dolphins
Ricky Williams- Miami Dolphins
Kurt Warner- Arizona Cardinals
Winner: Josh Hamilton. It's so hard to hit a baseball anyway, losing that skill for years because of drug abuse makes his story just seem that much more difficult. Hamilton fell so far and now has come back to the level where he was expected to be when he was drafted 10 years ago. Congrats to you Josh.
The Bash Brothers Award for Greatest Duo:
Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol- LA Lakers
Chase Utley and Ryan Howard- Philadelphia Phillies
Evegeni Malkin and Sid the Kid- Pittsburgh Penguins
Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald- Arizona Cardinals
And the winners are: Chase Utley and Ryan Howard. Much like Fulton Reed and Dean Portman, Howard and Utley combined to crush their opponents, amassing a total of 81 home runs and 250 RBIs in 2008. They also led the Phillies to their first World Series Championship since 1980. Look for Raul Ibanez to fill the part of Kenny Wu this year. Matt Stairs will return to play the part of Goldberg in D3. He made the one crucial shot at the end to win the game.
Next up is the Guy Fieri Award for the Douchiest Douchebag of 2008:
Eric Mangini- NY Jets
Roger Clemens- formerly the NY Yankees
Curt Schilling- Boston Red Sox
Steve Young- ESPN
Merril Hoge- ESPN
Joe Morgan- ESPN
And the winner is: Tie. They are all pretty douchey douchebags. I can't stand any of them. Just a group of 5 infuriating people. You all win. Or lose.
Next up is the soon to be fan favorite Tony Gwynn Lifetime Achievement Award for fattest athlete in 2008:
Miguel Cabrera- Detroit Tigers
C.C. Sabathia- Milwaukee Brewers
Prince Fielder- Milwaukee Brewers
John Daly- Golf
And the winner is: John Daly. Pictures of John slugging beers with Kid Rock and golfing with no shirt on sealed this victory for him. Sabathia and Fielder's exploits were well known, but they somehow managed to remain athletic despite their carriage. Look for Sabathia to take home this award in '09 as he will be making approx $8,000 a pitch. Dat's a lotta Sabretti's kid!
The final Golden Pencil award for 2008 is the Elton John "Profiles in Gayness" Award. Here are the nominees:
Jim Edmonds- Chicago Cubs
Alex Rodriguez- NY Yankees
Jeff Garcia- Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Terrell Owens- Dallas Cowboys
Joe Buck- FOX
And the winner is: Jeff Garcia hands down. Even with a smokin hot "wife" nobody believes that this dude is not gay. He always is wearing weird bandages, or is bleeding somewhere too. That is pretty gay. Finally he has a really gay haircut. I wouldn't want to touch him, I bet his hands and body would be slippery. Jeff Garcia's Golden Pencil Award will be mailed. I can't imagine the things that will be done with it once he gets it.
I hope you enjoyed the first annual Golden Pencil Awards. Special shout out to my two newest followers DBillz and the Donk. Feel free to suggest any awards you would like to see in '09. Eddy Curry is sure to take home the Elton John award though.