Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Legend of the Schellinator

From the foothills of Pennsylvania was born a mountain of a man by the name of Michael Schell. Many came before him, but few have had quite as much of an impact on the world as "The Schellinator". The Schellinator has changed the way that the game is played and altered the way we all live what we call our lives.

The Schellinator's early beginnings are not well known. What we do know is that he came from Newtown, Pennsylvania and as a young boy his father threw his Phillies hat in the garbage and told him "Boy, you are going to be a Red Sox fan.". This taught the Schellinator, before he was even the Schellinator, to stay on his toes and to always be ready. Legend has it that the young Schellinator hit 107 home runs in NAA (Newtown Athletic Association) tee-ball. Although they never kept score, this still stands as the official un-official record. As the Schellinator grew up, his feats only grew more and more outstanding. At age six he broke onto the travel team scene. Refusing to use an aluminum bat because it wasn't "his style" the Schellinator tore up the league of much older players with a 47 ounce bat made out of a Sequoia branch that he called "Lil Reggie". The Schellinator was well on his way.

In high school, Michael Schell played soccer, basketball and baseball for Lawrenceville Academy. The highlights of his other sporting careers were slide tackling Landon Donovan so hard that he started crying and Donovan's mother came running out onto the field in a similar fashon to Mrs. Burns in "Meet the Parents" after Ben Stiller slams the volleyball into the bride to be's face. He also scored 76 points against Blair Academy in an exhibition game and made the first successful "3 point dunk", a dunk from behind the 3 point arc, posterizing NBA star Luol Deng. Of course this was an exhibition so it did not get recorded, and there was nobody at the game video taping. Baseball was his true talent though as he pitched Lawrenceville to a state championship with a 25-0 record, and had the first and only "Too Perfect Game" in which the pitcher records all twenty seven outs on first pitch line drives back to him, not even needing the help of any other players on the team. He also broke up the opposing pitcher's perfect game bid with a homer in the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs to win the game 1-0. It has been described as "The Best Game Ever" amongst those who were there to see it.

In college the Schellinator began to experiment as many kids his age do. He grew out a mullet, and soon enough the style took the Holy Cross campus by storm. The Schellinator has still been known to rock the mullet to this day. He also began using a wiffle ball bat in games, and managed to put up 29 home runs in his freshman season. In his player profile he was listed as a third baseman, but he was in fact a shortstop. Many speculate that he was listed as such because he routinely got to the plays at 3rd before the third baseman even was able to react to the ball. He also did not let being named Holy Cross player of the week on March 22nd, 2005 go to his head. He just kept dominating. Upon his 5th reunion from college, he will be inducted into both the college baseball and football Hall of Fame. He never set foot on the football field. Indeed, college was very confusing times for the Schellinator.

After college, our hero went on to tackle the titans of industry. After coming up with the idea for Blu-Ray in a dream, he moved on to build the first space ship powered solely by tears. The space ship is currently in another galaxy gathering data. Nowadays, the Schellinator leads a much more laid back lifestyle, volunteering at a school and coaching a little baseball. A new challenge awaits him however, raising a 10 month old son who has already drawn comparisons to a young Chase Utley. Yes sir, the Schellinator certainly has it all. If only he could hit the slider. Feel free to add your own Schellinator folk lore in the comments section.


  1. I must ask, though...why was he batting 9th in high school? a talent like this must be getting more plate appearances!

  2. This was because the "Schell Rule" had already been handed down. The rule stipulated that he had to bat 9th in all games.

  3. The Schellinator is the only man to ever throw a 125 mph pitch. He's also the only man to ever hit a 125 mph pitch.

  4. The Schellinator once stole 3rd base in a rout against the Peddie School. He felt bad stealing since the score was so lopsided, so he stole second back.

  5. Schellinator once hit an inside the park home-run. On his way around the bases he also f*cked the pitchers girlfriend.