Tuesday, March 17, 2009

We'll Put A Boot in Your Ass, It's the American Way

Well folks, it's come down to this. The United States team is facing a must win game against Puerto Rico, the team that de-pantsed them a few days ago 11-1 in a mercy rule game. Now they taught us in middle school that Puerto Rico is a self-governing unincorporated territory of the United States, but let's be honest: USA owns Puerto Rico. Tonight, even with mounting injuries and a bad loss in the books already, I see the USA getting jingoistic on Puerto Rico and sending them back to the Caribbean, possibly on a raft or flotilla.

USA was a sleeping giant in their past few games. A "who cares" loss to Venezuela ended the first round, and was followed up with a rout by Puerto Rico in which the US just couldn't dial it back up after playing a meaningless game and a long layoff. The game against Netherlands was just what they needed. With their backs against the wall, they beat up on, to be fair, the worst team in Round 2 but also ratcheted up the intensity with some late inning fireworks between the two teams. USA is now awake. So long as the bats can be anything like they were in the last game, and the US can play mistake free, we got it in the bag. Look for Adam Dunn to be the MVP of the game.

There is no reason for me to be optimistic with Ted Lilly on the bump tonight. Especially when Puerto Rico ran up the score on Jake Peavy already. However, I remain confident that the US will turn the tables on Puerto Rico and destroy them. This will be their finest hour. Puerto Rico is going down. USA! USA! USA! USA!

In closing here are some fun facts about Puerto Rico and the United States:

Rosie Perez is of Puerto Rican ancestry

Puerto Rico is roughly 3 times the size of Rhode Island

The best selling flag in New York City is the Puerto Rican flag

Puerto Rico was ceded to the United States after the Spanish-American War

Canada is America's hat

Florida is America's wang

A main export of Puerto Rico is canned tuna

A main export of USA is goods and barley

Puerto Rican people like to put stickers all over their cars

Oscar from Road Rules 2 hailed from Puerto Rico, he was roundly disliked

America landed on the moon first


  1. "Hell yeah I'm a Xenophobe, that used to be called patriotism!"
    -Kenny Powers

  2. Also, I found your pro sport look-alike:


  3. Another fact - the Puerto Rican Day Parade episode from Seinfeld is widely banned due to "perceived" racial insensitivity by the show.