Thursday, May 21, 2009

If I May Shift Gears for a Moment

Today's post will only be somewhat about sports. I will depart from my normal articles to discuss several things that have been on my mind recently. My sports writing had gotten kind of stale recently so I figured I'd launch into some solid rants about a few things that have been bothering me recently. I think this might help generate some great responses from the folks in the audience as well. Feel free to sound off on these topics, and to include your own rants as well. We'll have a group therapy session right here and now. Anyway, here is what has been on my mind recently.

1. Mike's Hard Lemonade
What is the deal with Mike's Hard Lemonade? I've never seen anybody but teenage girls drinking this stuff, yet their tagline is "In a world gone soft, someone's gotta be hard". Also, in the commercials they have a bunch of guys in a warehouse type area talking about the drink, then a person slamming a glass of it on to a table at the end. Unless this setting is actually a gay steel mill, Mike's is way off here. They should focus on the underage markets more. I don't know where they got it into their heads that grown men drink Mike's Hard Lemonade.

2. Red stuff in Poland Spring bottles
While watching last night's Red Sox game, I witnessed Terry "Tito" Francona drinking some kind of red juice from a Poland Springs bottle. This was not the first time I had seen it either. The juice is always red, and it is always in a Poland Springs bottle. What is it? Why is it always in a Poland Springs bottle? It must be very tedious to funnel that drink into those bottles. Why not a have it in a cooler? It's like they want us to know that it is not water. This red drink remains a greater mystery to me than why Taco Bell discontinued the Volcano taco.

3. Robert Flores sucks
This guy (SportsCenter anchor for those who don't know) is the biggest loser ever and is everything that is wrong with ESPN. All he ever does is try to make stupid jokes about pop culture and interrupt the other anchors when they are talking. He also is of some Spanish/Latino descent and has kid hair, making him even more annoying. Go suck a railroad spike Flores.

4. This card I got
I got a card a few weeks ago which was very off-putting. Now the run of the mill "Will, remember alcohol causes brain damage" card I get from one of my family members is no big deal, but this one was very weird. It was a card thanking me for organizing a community service trip recently. I was able to find a copy of it on the web. The Big Guy is on the cover. But doesn't he look a little too much like this guy? I don't know who this artist is, but he obviously is trying to convert everyone to the Church of Kenny Loggins. Psalm #1 "Even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with you honey."

That's what is on my mind this week. If anyone can help shed light on these things, please do so.


  1. I think Mike's must be ripping off an old Viagra ad with that tagline:

    "In a world gone soft, someone's gotta be hard"

  2. And you know what's been bothering me recently? Why can't people learn how to serve things? If I order coffee from starbucks, ask if i want cream so I don't have to stand at the filling station and chug warm coffee to make room. Furthermore, if someone's ordering a wrap, dammit, evenly distribute the fillings. If I ordered a chicken caesar wrap, I don't want to have to scrape globs of dressing off my cheeks before I taste any chicken.

  3. Red Stuff: its those little packets of iced tea mix and such made to pour into water bottles. maybe gatorade makes them now.