Wednesday, September 30, 2009

NFL Power Rankings

Sorry I'm a day late. But here at long last are my first attempt at NFL Power Rankings. As an added kicker, I will try to give each team a Bruce Springsteen song that relates to their season so far. This could get ugly, but here goes.

1. Indianapolis Colts (3-0)- I give the Colts the number 1 spot because they have beaten two teams that were in the playoffs last year. Plus, they managed to win a game in which they only had the ball for 15 minutes. It is clear that Peyton Manning and the Colts live by the motto of "No Surrender".

2. New York Jets (3-0)- The Jets have beaten some top flight talent in the AFC, and their defense is looking pretty stout. Despite my preseason forecast, it looks like Rex Ryan and the Jets were "Born to Run".

3. New Orleans Saints (3-0)- The Saints are straight raping teams by an average of about 21 points per game. Their defense is a little worrisome, but playing with the lead every game makes it a lot easier. However I'd like to see what will happen if the Saints "Should Fall Behind".

4. New York G-Men (3-0)- The G-Men are looking tough, and Eli is looking (gulp) very good. However, they have only played some NFC also rans so far, and the injuries are starting to pile up. I'm wondering if the Giants can maintain this success of if it has just been a "Brilliant Disguise".

5. Bodymore Ravens (3-0)- Bodymore is not as good as everyone has made them out to be so far. Sure they are scoring points, but they played the Chefs way too close (giving up 24 points in the process) and needed a goal line stand to beat the Chargers. Moreover, I put the Ravens at 2-0 because anyone can beat the Browns. Nonetheless it looks like Joe Flacco is the real deal, as he is "Growin' Up" before our eyes.

6. Minnesota Vikings (3-0)- Nothing angers me more than to see this team sitting at 3-0. Congrats on beating the 49ers, Browns and Lions. This is the schedule they give to a playoff team from last year? This team still has many flaws and my advice to Brett Favre is that sooner or later "You'll Be Coming Down".

7. New England Patriots (2-1)- The Pats rebounded nicely against a tough Falcons team last week. Both the offense (that actually ran the ball) and the defense looked good after that close loss to the Jets in week 2. A win against the Ravens this week would be "Living Proof" that the Pats are a true contender again.

8. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)- The jury is still out on the Eagles. With Kevin Kolb in as starting QB they have been able to compete, but how would the Birds have fared against New Orleans with McNabb playing? Moreover, their defense has looked at times great and at times awful. One thing is for sure, DeSean Jackson is giving Eagles fans "Reason to Believe" in the Birds.

9. San Diego Chargers (2-1)- If it weren't for a Ravens goal line stand, the Chargers would be 3-0. Their defense is looking a little suspect, but the offense is firing on all cylinders. Look for them to get their act together and go "On Fire" against their AFC West foes. Pun intended.

10. Atlanta Falcons (2-1)- The Falcons looked pretty timid last week against the Pats, and their offense has not been great as of the first three games. They were my pre-season pick to make it to the Super Bowl, but clearly there is a "Darkness on the Edge of Town".

11. Denver Broncos (3-0)- The Broncos are 3-0 so I can't put them too low on this list. However, they have played the Browns, Bengals and Raiders. Still though, 3-0 is 3-0 in Denver aka "Lucky Town".

12. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1)- If it wasn't for a last second miracle play by the Lucky Town Broncos, the Bungals would be 3-0. They have 2 nice wins against the Packers and Steelers though and it looks like they could be returning to the Bengals "Glory Days" of the 80's. Break out the Ickey Shuffle!

13. Green Bay Packers (2-1)- The Packers have all the pieces in place to be a contender, and a win against the Vikings this week would help prove that. Moreover, it would give Brett Favre "The Big Payback".

14. San Francisco 49ers (2-1)- I've said it before and I'll say it again; the threat of seeing Mike Singletary's ass could be the greatest single motivator for any team in football. The Niners are playing great football and also would be at 3-0 if it weren't for a last second miracle by the Vikings. The most miraculous part was that Greg Lewis actually caught a pass. Anyway, the 49ers are certainly on "The Rising" in the NFC West.

15. Dallas Cowboys (2-1)- The Boys whooped up on the hapless Panthers and Bucs, but also played the Giants very close, losing on a last second field goal. Unfortunately, that seems to be Dallas' m.o. as Tony Romo and the 'Boys appear to be "Blinded by the Light" of being America's team, and can never handle the pressure.

16. Chicago Bears (2-1)- I don't like the Bears at all, but they have won two in a row after looking just awful against the Packers in week 1. However, I think Jay Cutler's Bears and the playoffs are still "Worlds Apart".

17. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2)- The Steelers really need Troy Polamalu back. Two tough losses against the Bears and Bengals have them "Waiting On a Sunny Day" until he returns. When he does though, look for them to go on a run.

18. Tennessee Titans (0-3)- The Titans have one of the toughest schedules in football this year. Despite being 0-3 they have played every game pretty close, but they are definitely "Going Down" this year. Kerry Collins also has a penis face.

19. Houston Texans (1-2)- With their only win coming over the winless Titans and a bad loss to the Jags on their resume, the Texans might be bucking my prediction and once again "Missing" the playoffs. They are usually strong finishers though, so I am still hopeful.

20. Buffalo Bills (1-2)- The Bills have not played that badly, but with no passes caught by T.O. last week I'm worried for the citizens of Buffalo. He could become "Your Own Worst Enemy".

21. Detroit Lions (1-2)- Could it be two in a row this week against the Bears? Cue up the Lou Brown winning streak speech in the locker room (can't find the actual speech, but this will do)! The Lions are definitely on the right track and in the near future will be headed to "The Promised Land" of the playoffs.

22. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)- They played the Colts close, beat the Texans, but were the Cardinals only win. This team is a bit of an enigma, but I expect them to play more like they did against the Cards for the rest of the year. It will be a "Lonesome Day" every Sunday for Jags fans with all of their games blacked out. They could really use Tim Tebow.

23. Arizona Cardinals (1-2)- Is Kurt Warner showing signs of his age again? Matt Leinart got to play the final snap of the game Sunday night. With a QB controversy lingering, we will find out which one has the "Hungry Heart".

24. Seattle Seahawks (1-2)- Seattle is not doing that badly, but the injuries are starting to add up on the defensive side of the ball. This does not bode well for them against the Colts this week. Against the banged up Seattle "D", you might as well call Peyton Manning and Co. "Murder Incorporated".

25. Miami Dolphins (0-3)- They played 3 playoff teams from last year very close, and managed to dominate the clock, but still lost. Now, consumate winner Chad Pennington is out for the year and Chad Henne is the starter. I sincerely doubt that the Fins will "Cover Me" on my playoff prediction this year.

26. Oakland Raiders (1-2)- The Silver and Black are playing good defense so far, but their offense is abysmal. My boy Darrius Heyward-Bey has only gotten one fantasy point the whole year. JaMarcus Russell needs to show a little more "Human Touch" on his passes if the Raiders want to compete.

27. Kansas City Chiefs (0-3)- The Chefs may be 0-3, but they have looked better at times than the rest of the teams on this list. Still though, the Chefs are a "Dead Man Walking".

28. Washington Redskins (1-2)- The 'Skins lose major points for being the first team that the Lions beat after losing 19 straight. I have a feeling Jim Zorn could soon be "Working on the Highway".

29. Tampa Bay Bucs (0-3)- The Bucs are terrible, but I have been delighted with the resurgence of "Cadillac Ranch" Williams. I've seen the Cadillac Ranch.

30. Carolina Panthers (0-3)- Jake Delhomme is one of the worst quarterbacks I have ever seen. I bet Steve Smith hates him. I believe its time to send Delhomme down "The River" in favor of someone new.

31. St. Louis Rams (0-3)- They're shitty. I bet people from St. Louis wished the Rams were moved to "Nebraska".

32. Cleveland Browns (0-3)- 29 points for, 95 points against. The Mangenius is a terrible coach and the Brownies are the "Badlands" of the NFL.

Not bad for a first try if I do say so myself. Let's hear from the fans out there.


  1. Kerry Collins does indeed have a penis face hahaha

  2. Is anyone ALIVE out there?!?!?!? This might be a sacrilege comment, but I've never been a huge fan of Hungry Heart, Cover Me, or Murder Inc. This was Bruce's bad 80's phrase, he was probably drinking new coke, wearing too much denim and watching Growing Pains. I wouldv'e subbed in Two Hearts to describe the Cardinal's QB controversy.

  3. "If you've ever seen a one-trick pony in fields so happy and free. If you've ever seen a one-trick pony then you've seen me. Have you ever seen a one-legged dog making his way down the street? If you've ever seen a one-legged dog, you've seen me."

    --Bruce, "The Wrestler"

    Truer words have never been spoken about Brett Favre.

  4. Brett Favre is an old broken down piece of meat