Monday, January 18, 2010

The Forwood Theory

Some of the greatest scientific minds around the world have toiled for their entire lives and have nothing to show for their years of work. Not so for the hotshot young scientist from Wallingford, PA. In only a few years of study, Mark Forwood has come up with one of the most dazzling new theories in the history of recorded time. It is called "The Forwood Theory". Allow me to break down all the intricacies of the Forwood Theory and explain why it is such an amazing discovery for mankind.

Suppose you are watching your beloved Eagles get thrashed in the first round of the playoffs by Tony Homo and the Cowgirls. What is the point of even paying attention to the rest of the playoffs? There is none right? If Mark Forwood heard you say that he would play a war chant on the bagpipes and have his cats attack you like Footsoldiers from TMNT. According to the Forwood Theory, you would root for the Cowboys to win the Super Bowl based on the fact that it would make the very division that your beloved Iggs are in look superior. That, in a nutshell is the Forwood Theory.

So let's apply this to some more real world situations and test its validity:

-After the Red Sox got booted out of the playoffs last year, Dill and Dorne should have continued to root for the Yankees because they are in the AL East. That checks out.

-All Penn State fans rooted for Ohio State in the Rose Bowl and Iowa in the Orange Bowl. Well of course.

- Packers fans are now rooting for Brett "School On A Holiday- No Class" Favre and the Vikes in order to strengthen the rep of the NFC North. I would certainly say so.

Yes, the Forwood Theory appears to be flawless. Maybe someday in the future, we will all have the day off for Mark Forwood Day. We will wear lavish robes, prepare sumptuous feasts and revel in the great additions to the world that were made possible by Mr. Forwood. Congrats Forwood, you have made it to the big time.


  1. My dad's is also a strict adherent to the Forwood theory. I remember in the 1990 world series when he rooted for the A's over the Reds strictly to make the Red Sox look better. It actually makes more sense in football though, as it plays into the strength of schedule factor. I.e Eagles play a higher-rated Dallas 2x a season and can get a better schedule as a result.

  2. While all of that is completely true (especially the part about the cats and hopefully in the future the bagpipes), I can't take credit for this theory. It has been embedded into my logical reasoning skills from my father. While I at times agree with the theory, mostly in College football cus everyone always rips on the Big 10, there are plenty of times I go against it. Specifically any time the Giants, Cowboys, or Michigan plays I always want them to lose.

  3. I hate godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! HE DESTROYS CITIES!!!!!