Friday, April 30, 2010

Do Not Adjust Your Computer Screen

I know what you're thinking, but no, I have not gone soft. This is the first and last time you will ever see Phil Mickelson as the topic of a blog. Moreover, the only purpose of this post is to cut him down more than I already have. In the past few days we have learned that this "upstanding" and "family focused" bag of fat not only passes out and pukes on the reg, but also is a disgrace to the most famous golf tournament in the United States. Let us all revel in taking Fat Phil down another peg. The man who is supposed to be the "anti-Tiger" is in fact a sick monster in real life.

I don't know how Phil did it, but somehow he got his hands on Lee Westwood's Masters jacket from this year. He must have hired someone because that is a steal that not even this man could pull off. Even more bizarre is that the jacket fit him perfectly. Most shocking and disgusting however, is that when he got his hands on it he decided to wear it to a Krispy Kreme donuts. What a piece of shit. "I'm going to show my respect for the most sacred vestment in all of golf by wearing it to a Krispy Kreme donut shop." Have another donut Fat Phil, you should be banned from Augusta for life.

As if that faux pas wasn't bad enough, we just learned recently that Fat Phil is in the habit of passing out and puking everywhere. Said the bucket of baby fat, "I'm two-for-two. The last two times I've fainted and woken up in a pool of vomit, I've won." Phil is clearly an addict of some kind, or he somehow gets off on passing out and throwing up. I've seen it a hundred times... This guy, this is not the kind of guy we want on the PGA Tour.

I wouldn't be surprised if we see Fat Phil on an upcoming episode of "Intervention." He is clearly obsessed with eating. He will do anything to binge on Krispy Kremes, including stealing Lee Westwood's jacket to pass himself off as the champ in some sort of hare-brained scheme to get free donuts. Then he becomes overcome by guilt and makes himself vomit up the donuts to the point where he passes out. Simply disgusting. The man who is trying to play the "family man" foil to Tiger has way more problems in real life and needs much more help. I think it would be wise for Fat Phil to take a few years off and get the help he needs. He is only creating enemies right now.

Also, TPLIYP officially predicts Koey's team to win in fantasy baseball this week.

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