Thursday, September 30, 2010

Ryder Die

WHATCHALL REALLY WANT?!?!?!? That's right, we are starting this Ryder Cup preview with a throwback to the baddest rapper of our generation, DMX. Tomorrow, the USA defends their Ryder Cup trophy against the blokes from across the pond. For those of you not familiar with the Ryder Cup, I'm about to school you. The best way to describe it in my opinion though, is a war. It's the USA vs. Europe, and I want nothing worse than to send those stuck up snooty bastards back to their hamlets with a thorough beating. Though team USA is defending their win in 2008, they have not won on foreign soil since 1993. This crowd is going to be hostile, the course will be unrelenting, but the United States shall prevail. Queue the Bruce Springsteen and the USA chants!

For those poor, unfortunate souls out there unaware of the Ryder Cup, allow me to explain. The Ryder Cup is a bi-annnual tournament between the best golfers from USA and Europe that alternates between courses on each team's home soil. The event lasts three days, and consists of four ball (two players on each team per group, players play their own ball, lowest score wins the hole for their team), foursomes (two players on each team per group, players on each team alternate shots with the same ball, lowest score wins the hole), and singles matches (straight match play, one on one, lowest score wins the hole) over the course of three days. Matches won result in one point, tied matches are worth a half point. There are a total of 28 points up for grabs, but since USA is the defending champ, they only need to score 14 points (a tie) to retain the Ryder Cup. Europe would need to score 14.5 to take the cup away. This year, the matches take place at Celtic Manor Resort in Wales. Therefore, standard British Open rules apply.

Even though the British Open style course favors the Euro trash, the fact that USA only needs 14 points to retain the cup gives them the upper hand in my opinion. Furthermore, the team selections also give me reason to believe that the USA is primed to win in Europe for the first time since 1993. Let's take a look at the squads and break them down a bit more:

TEAM USA:
Cpt. Corey Pavin- Showed his meddle by calling out that doucher Jim Gray.

Matt Kuchar- This Ryder Cup rookie has been one of the most consistent players all year. He will be ready to go at Celtic Manor. Check out the IST driver, Donk!

Jeff Overton- Not a huge fan of Overton. He has choked under pressure several times this year, and has a bad attitude.

Tiger Woods- People are questioning the decision to put Tiger on this team, saying he is not ready to play. Moreover, the European media are getting after him as will the fans. Do you really want to piss this guy off? Just watch.

Rickie Fowler- Fowler was one of the best Walker Cup (Ryder Cup for amateurs) players ever, and is a great putter. He will be a great captain's pick.

Stewart Cink- He has struggled in Ryder Cups past, but the picture tells you what you need to know about Stewie on Open style courses.

Dustin Johnson- DJ appears to have expelled his demons. He is gonna tear it up.

Bubba Watson- Bomber.

Jim Furyk- FedEx Cup champ. Ryder Cup gets his intensity going.

Phil Mickelson (not even gonna diss him)- Lefty.

Steve Stricker- Dominates with Tiger. They are boys.

Hunter Mahan- Solid player at Valhalla in 2008. I expect him to take over this year.

Zach Johnson- ZJ played very well at the President's Cup last year.


TEAM EUROPE:
Cpt. Colin Montgomerie- Fat lump of jell-o meets common dandy.

Ian Poulter- Fear him. Great match player, and ultimate competitor.

Lee Westwood- Usually a solid player, but how will the injury effect him?

Martin Kaymer- PGA Champion. Kraut.

Luke Donald- He and Poulter are the two most formidable players on this team.

Padraig Harrington
- Reach.

Graeme McDowell- Does this guy know how to party or what?

Rory McIlroy- I love Rory, but he deserves to get his ass beaten for talking shit this week.

Miguel Angel Jimenez
- Miguel Angel: talented Spanish golfer or aging porn star?

Francesco Molinari- Hate him.

Eduardo Molinari- Hate him.

Ross Fisher- Another reach of a captain's pick for Sir Monty.

Peter Hanson- WHO?!?!?

The first thing that jumps out at me about Team Europe is that there are some loners on the team. Peter Hanson, Miguel Angel Jimenez, Padraig Harrington and Martin Kaymer are all the only representatives from their respective countries, and to me this could result in them feeling less a part of the rest of the team members, who come primarily from the UK. Maybe I'm oversimplifying, but it jumps out at me. I'm sure Europe has won with scenarios like this before, but in my opinion, I don't see Marty Kaymer really gelling with the rest of the group. The U.S. of course does not have this problem to deal with, we are one country with one cause.

Furthermore, I think a couple of the Euros are not at the top of their game right now. Lee Westwood has been injured for a month or so now, and we can't really know what to expect from a normally crucial cog in the European Ryder Cup machine. Padraig Harrington has also been very erratic this season, and we wont know what to expect from him either. He was one of Euro Captain Colin Montgomerie's captain's picks for the team, and in my opinion a poor one. Paul Casey is a great match player, and has been playing great golf for about the last two months, but was left off the team. A mistake.

Team USA consists of many newcomers, including Jeff Overton, Dustin Johnson, Bubba Watson, Rickie Fowler and Matt Kuchar. How these players react to their first Ryder Cup experience will be crucial. I think Dustin Johnson could be a huge force for team USA, and Rickie Fowler could provide the young spark that this team needs. These guys will be great partners with the more experienced players, and they will certainly be jacked up for the tournament. Speaking of partnerships and pairings, here are some combinations that I would love to see at Celtic Manor this weekend.

Tiger Woods and Rickie Fowler- Rickie Fowler is one of the best putters I have seen in a while. Consequently, that is what Tiger has been struggling with lately. These two could compliment each other very well out there.

Phil Mickelson and Bubba Watson- A left-hander's dream pairing. Bubba is a bomber, and Phil is one of the best from 100 yards in. In alternate shot, this team would be almost unbeatable; Bubba bombs one off the tee, Phil spins it close, Bubba taps it in.

Bubba Watson and Dustin Johnson- Two of the longest hitters in all of golf. This pairing would demoralize their opponents by being about 40 yards ahead of them in every fairway.

Tiger Woods and Steve Stricker- This team was unbeatable, literally, in the President's Cup. Expect this to be a definite pairing sometime this week. They are boys.

Phil Mickelson and Rickie Fowler- Phil performed well when paired with the energetic Anthony Kim in the 2008 Ryder Cup. Rickie Fowler would provide the same kind of foil for the aging hipster.

Rory McIlroy and Graeme McDowell- Two of Northern Ireland's finest would be a tough matchup for any team.

The Molinaris- I can't think of a pairing that I would root against more.

SINGLES:
Rickie Fowler vs. Rory McIlroy- The future of the Ryder Cup would no doubt be a showdown of epic proportions this year.

Tiger Woods vs. Rory McIlroy- Rory has been talking some trash to Tiger this week, and I would love it if Tiger fucked his shit up on the course.


The Ryder Cup is a matter of national pride. It is important that every American watch it, root for Team USA, and root vehemently against the other team using as many racial slurs as possible. Like I said before, it is like a war. It is like the Revolutionary War fought on a golf course. The time has come to kick those commies asses from the other side of the pond and let them know that cold, watered-down beer is the best, fast food is delicious and good for us, and discotheques and leather clothing is not cool. WHO'S WITH ME? RYDER DIE BITCH!

2 comments: