Thursday, September 10, 2015

Moose's Weekly Picks

What a long, strange trip it's been.  After almost exactly six months off from blogging, the Moose has returned to the arena and is ready to roll for what looks to be a very exciting NFL season.  Even after all the bullshit that went on over the offseason, I don't know a single soul who isn't pumped up for the season to start tonight.  Let's get going and break down these games with what limited information we have.

PITTSBURGH (+7) at NEP: A lot of forces at play here.  It is banner night at Foxboro.  The Pats just recently won a landmark victory in Deflategate.  A certain smut blogger would lead you to believe they are going to go 19-0 this year and win every game by 35 points.  A much more level-headed blogger would list the weather (rain), and the fact that the Steelers don't have the services of Martavis Bryant and Leveon Bell as much more important factors.  Because it is early season, and both teams are a little underprepared, I think this game will be kind of a slopfest in the rain.  PICK: Steelers

GREEN BAY (-7) at CHICAGO: Chicago signed multiple Super Bowl losing coach John Fox in the offseason.  Any major Moose will tell you that that decision will not end well.  I like Green Bay to smack them.  PICK: Green Bay

KANSAS CITY (+1) at HOUSTON: Both of these teams have pretty stout defenses, but the Texans have absolutely nothing in the cupboard on offense.  Look for Kansas City by a field goal of two.  PICK: Kansas

CLEVELAND (+3) at NYJ: See "Kansas City at Houston."  PICK: NYJ

INDIANAPOLIS (-2.5) at BUFFALO: Andrew Luck is back and with more weapons than ever.  Meanwhile, the Bills are going with T-Mobile as their starting quarterback.  Rex is picking up right where he left off in New York.  PICK: Indiana

MIAMI (-3.5) at WASHINGTON: Speaking of bad starting quarterbacks!  The team from Washington, DC has decided to trot out Kirk Cousins as their starter again this year.  You'd be better off starting Homer Simpson with an ice cream carton head, balloons for arms, and a tape recorder voice at qb.  This team is an absolute abomination.  Truth be told, I had the previous game between Buffalo and Indiana as my no doubter, but then I erased it as soon as I saw this match up.  Lock it up, rub it down; Miami is my NO DOUBTER of the week.  PICK: Miami

CAROLINA (-3) at JACKSONVILLE: This game is intriguing to me.  Carolina is without top weapon Kelvin Bejamin which could hurt them.  However, the Jags are the Jags.  I will take Riverboat Ron in the season opener.  PICK: Carolina

SEATTLE (-4) at ST. LOUIS: A lot of people have come up to me and told me what a stupid trade they thought the Eagles made in swapping Foles and a pick for Sam Bradford (nickname to be revealed later).  In theory, trading a young quarterback with a minimal contract for an older oft-injured $13 million dollar quarterback seems like a terrible deal.  Especially when you include a high draft pick in the deal to boot.  However, Foles is no iron man on the field himself and I think we are going to find that around a less explosive offense and a more suspect line he will be exposed.  He is not a quick decision maker and doesn't have great pocket presence either.  I will cherish my love affair with Foles, but Seattle is going to eat him for lunch on Sunday.  PICK: Seattle

NEW ORLEANS (+2.5) at ARIZONA: Everything feels right.  The first game of the season.  Carson Palmer is back, and we're in THE DESERT.  The Saints are a franchise in decline, and Arizona is going to pick them apart in all phases of the game.  PICK: Arizona

DETROIT (+3) at SAN DIEGO: This should be a good game.  Both of these teams are playoff contenders that kind of didn't do much in the offseason.  I feel like Big Phil starts out slow, and he won't have his security blanket Antonio Gates for four games.  PICK: Detroit

TENNESSEE (+3) at TAMPA BAY: The battle of the first two picks at qb.  Mariota has looked good preseason, but Famous Jameis will probably just have his dick out all game.  In fact, one NFL expert predicted 39 TDs for Jameis this year.  PICK: Tampa

CINCINNATI (-3.5) at OAKLAND: Cincy is such a boring team.  Let's shake it up a little bit.  PICK: Oaktown baby babyyyy

BALTIMORE (+4.5) at DENVER: We are a mile high for this game, and it must be the altitude that has me pondering: is Peyton Manning still any good?  He looked awful at the end of last season, and if that is all he has left then the Broncs are in trouble.  Meanwhile Flacco is coming in with a new haircut.  Baltimore keeps in close, but penalties kill them in the end.  PICK: Denver

NYG (+6) at DALLAS: I don't know how Dallas' defense was good last year, but I think they regress this year.  I know how their offense was good last year, and I think they get better this year.  The Giants are always a mystery.  PICK: Dallas

PHILADELPHIA (-3) at ATLANTA: Sam Bradford, I hereby dub thee "Salami Sam."  It is written.  The Iggs looked so damn good in the preseason that they have everybody in a tizzy.  Atlanta has some talented pieces, but are still suspect on defense and O-line.  I am worried about Julio Jones and Rowdy Roddy White (RIP Rowdy Roddy Piper) but I think the Eagles will be too much for the Falconians.  Make way for Salami Sam!  PICK: Iggs

MINNESOTA (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO: The 9ers had an absolute exodus in the offseason.  Every important player on their defense is gone.  I don't think that the 9ers will be as bad as some people think record-wise, but that defense is in shambles.  That is a bad thing when Adrian Peterson is coming to town.  PICK: Minnesota 

Glad to be back in the fold for week one, and let's all enjoy some football with a nice plate of wings.  

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