Thursday, September 17, 2015

Moose's Weekly Picks

Well we got off to a strong start in week one crushing the early games, but Moose petered out late in the going.  I wish I could say I've never done that before...HEH HEH HEH.  Week one is always tough because you have new coaches that you can't really predict, and lots of players in new places.  7-8-1 is not particularly good, but I will take it along with a No Doubter drilled through the uprights.  We're on to week two...

DENVER (+3) at KANSAS CITY:  The Broncos offense looked putrid last week and the worries about Peyton Manning's arm/neck are still valid.  The Chiefs ran it up on the Texans and now return home to Fat Andy's place for what is sure to be a raucous home opener.  I gotta go with my GUT here and take the Kool Aid Man.  PICK: Kansas

HOUSTON (+3) at CAROLINA: Houston's defense did not look intimidating at all last week, and Big Bri has already been ousted as QB1.  Carolina won in Jacksonville, but didn't wow either.  This isn't going to be a pretty game.  PICK: Carolina

TAMPA BAY (+10) at NEW ORLEANS: Famous Jameis didn't look so hot last week, but he is still within reach of that 39 touchdown goal.  Tampa's defense looked even worse.  I thought that was supposed to be Lovie Dovey's strength?  New Orleans went out to the desert and kept it close for a little while.  This game is in the Dome, but I still believe in the power of the Famous one.  PICK: Tampa

SAN FRANCISCO (+6) at PITTSBURGH: I didn't see the San Fran versus Minnesota game on Monday because I was in a blind rage over the previous game's outcome.  To top it off, Carlos Hyde's big game gave the Donk a three point fantasy win over me.  Blind rage became blind and deaf rage.  I had Carlos Hyde last year and he sucked.  He is now forever an enemy.  Pittsburgh had chances against the NEP but screwed a few of them up.  I think they come out this week and put the Niners in their place.  PICK: Blitzburgh

DETROIT (+2.5) at MINNESOTA: Again, I didn't see Minnesota on Monday; but only scoring three points against a defense that lost every good player from the season before is not a harbinger of good things.  I did watch Detroit blow a sizable lead against Big Phil Rivers out in San Diego.  At least they put up points though.  PICK: Detroit

NEP (-1) at BUFFALO: Buffalo smacked Indy on Sunday and Rex Ryan hasn't shut up about it since.  That guy is the very definition of a piece of shit.  According to Urban Dictionary:

(1) a worse than worthless object or person; an object or person that holds no value or redeeming qualities whatsoever
(2) a stupid, low-life, self-righteous human being who makes life a living hell for themselves and others
(3) a small portion of human or animal fecal matter; waste excrement

Couldn't have said it better myself.  Rex has always played the Pats well, but I honestly think that Tyrod Taylor is not going to lead a team anywhere.  The Bills fans always get super excited when their team does well in September, but just as fall turns to dreary winter in Buffalo the excitement is replaced by malaise and depression.  I know it is still September, but Rex will not be as high on the hog after this week.  PICK: NEP

ARIZONA (-1.5) at CHICAGO: I have my reservations about picking the Cardinals away from the desert, but they are playing Cutty and the Bears.  All the Cardinals have to do is sit back and wait and Cutler will, to borrow a phrase from Bart Simpson, fold faster than Superman on laundry day.  Listen to all those cars honking in support of the Cardinals.  PICK: Arizona

TENNESSEE (-1) at CLEVELAND: With McCown presumably out for this game after getting tackled into next month, it looks like we will see the sober, more adult Johnny Football.  I shall refer to his as John Football from now on.  Who is John Football?  He is a quarterback that seems only capable of producing one touchdown per game.  Meanwhile, Marcus Mariota threw for four against the Bucs last week.  Gimme Tennessee (for the record, I am still almost always wrong about the Titans in MWP).  PICK: Tennessee

SAN DIEGO (+3) at CINCINNATI: Big Phil Rivers played very well last week, and has a great rapport with Keenan Allen on offense.  I don't like them in the jungle though.  Cincy is a tougher team than Detroit and will stifle the Bolts rhythm.  PICK: Cincy

ST. LOUIS (-3.5) at WASHINGTON: Washington's defense kept them in the game last week, but ultimately the offense could only muster a measly 10 points.  The Rams defense is much more dangerous than the Dolphins, and the offense with Foles at the helm looked mighty good.  This is gonna be a blowout I think.  I want to make it my no doubter, but I won't pick on Washington two weeks in a row.  PICK: St. Louis

ATLANTA (+2.5) at NYG: Let me start by saying that I hate Matt Bryant more than Maggie Simpson hates the unibrow baby.  Ever since 2006 he has been a thorn in my side, and I don't think he has ever missed a field goal against the Iggs.  The Giants offense didn't do great last week, and failed to execute with the game on the line.  Atlanta looked good for a half and bad for a half, but executed at the end to win the game.  I think the tables are reversed at Met Life and the G-Men squeak one out.  PICK: NYG

BALTIMORE (-6) at OAKLAND: Matty McGloin at QB for Oakland? I'm thinking Baltimore.  Make it my NO DOUBTER of the week.  PICK: Baltimore

MIAMI (-6) at JACKSONVILLE: Evil genius Shahid Khan had some things going for him this season.  Blake Bortles looked legit, TJ Yeldon was going to solidify the backfield, and Gus Bradley would have the defense running and gunning.  Then they took a dump on the field last week.  PICK: Miami

DALLAS (+5) at PHILADELPHIA: The Iggs would have been booed off the field in the first half had last week's game been in Philly.  Salami Sam shook off the rust in the second half though and the Iggs outscored the Falcons 21-6, ultimately losing by two.  I think the Iggs will play more like the second half team this week, but five points is a lot to give up in a divisional game between two good teams.  PICK: Dallas

SEATTLE (+3.5) at GREEN BAY: The Seahawks don't play well on the road as we saw last week.  Another tough challenge faces them in Green Bay.  I think the Pack put them at 0-2 for the season.  Pray for the Bears in Seattle in week three.  PICK: Green Bay

NYJ (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS: Plucky Luck has all the weapons in the world on offense, but the Colts defense is "softer than baby shit" to quote the Black Mamba.  The Jets defense will harass Luck, and the offense will ground and pound all game.  This is the blueprint to beat the Colts and it works very well.  PICK: NYJ

LAST WEEK: 7-8-1
OVERALL: 7-8-1

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