Thursday, September 8, 2016

Moose's Weekly Picks

::coughs while blowing dust off of blog:: Ok!  We're back here at global corporate headquarters of TPLIYP!  Last season we learned a lot.  The No Doubter record was not as good, but the overall record was better than .500 (take that Vegas!).  I can't give you exact numbers on either because I am way too lazy, but suffice it to say we did good. Just good. We also met a lot of new characters, including the BB-8, the Famous Jameis touchdown counter, and the deep desolate DESERT in Arizona.  Let's take these with us, and add some new features in what is shaping up to be a great 2016 season.  To the games!

CAROLINA (-3) at DENVER: Super Bowl rematch right off the bat!  We are dealing with two forces here: the Super Bowl loss hangover, and the rookie quarterback struggles.  Now Peyton Manning did not set the world on fire as the Broncos qb last year, but in the stretch run he didn't make a lot of mistakes either.  I think Trevor Siemian might struggle out of the gate trying to do too much.  Look for Cam and the Panthers to get a measure of revenge tonight.  PICK: Carolina Ribs

TAMPA BAY (+3) at ATLANTA: Lovie Smith was fired in the offseason, and the Bucs promoted qb guru Dirk Koetter to coach the Famous One and Co.  I think Jameis takes a big step forward this year.  Some experts are even projecting him for 27 touchdowns.  Meanwhile, the Falcons stay mired in mediocrity.  PICK: Tampa

(but ready to shoot right up)

MINNESOTA (-2.5) at TENNESSEE: The Vikings chances took a big hit when Teddy Bridgewater's knee fell into troubled water.  They traded for Salami Sam Bradford, but is he really better than the Shaun Hill Gang?  I'm not so sure.  Regardless, I still think the Bikes march into to Nashville and thrash the Titans.  PICK: Minnesota

CLEVELAND (+4) at PHILADELPHIA: Eagles fans have special powers.  We have the ability to whip ourselves into a frenzy each year, regardless of what our team looks like.  Whatever the kool-aid is, we drink it and become convinced somehow that our team will be good.  This year is no different.  We have a new coach who isn't a shy know-it-all.  Our defense should be dominant, and we have a rookie qb ready to take the reins.  The pundits hated the signing, but I've come to become a big fan of Doug Pederson.  Maybe if only because he is a pretty even keel guy.  Doesn't try to do too much.  Knows what he knows, knows what he doesn't know.  Goes about his job every day.  Kind of like an inanimate carbon rod.  Well, I say "In Rod We Trust!"  PICK: Iggs

CINCINNATI (-2.5) at NYJ: Steady Marvin at the helm.  You can count on this team to go 10-6 and lose in the playoffs.  Meanwhile, the Jets added Matt Forte and brought back Fitzy.  Should be a good game.  I guess I'll take Cincy?  PICK: Cincy

OAKLAND (+1) at NEW ORLEANS: The Silver and Black are back Jack!  The Raiders are going to be my sweethearts this year.  How could you ever bet against this man:
And his van:
A man, a plan, a van: the 2016 RAIDERS.  PICK: Oakland

SAN DIEGO (+6.5) at KANSAS CITY: Andy Reid is a good man and a good coach.  The Chargers are getting pretty old and rickety.  Gimme Big Red in Arrowhead til I'm dead.  PICK: Kansas

BUFFALO (+3) at BALTIMORE:  Flacco is bacco.  The Bills just gave T-Mobile a huge contract extension.  I don't see that playing out well.  Also, sometimes you just have to look at the obvious.  This is a game featuring Super Bowl champion head coach John Harbaugh against the two dopey Ryan brothers.  PICK: Baltimore

CHICAGO (+6) at HOUSTON: I don't really like John Fox as a coach, but I think he will make this Bears team respectable.  Meanwhile, I don't think Brock Ostreicher is the answer to anything but "Who is the best player on the East Great Falls High lacrosse team?"  PICK: Chicago

GREEN BAY (-5.5) at JACKSONVILLE: Madman Shahir Khan is starting to build something down in Jacksonville.  Blake Bortles seems like the real deal at quarterback, and the "take it to the limit" fan gave the team an identity they sorely needed.  Neither of those things is going to help them against Rajahs and the Pack though.  PICK: Green Bay

MIAMI (+10.5) at SEATTLE: How many games into this season until Tannehill gets benched?  He is clearly not the guy.  Seattle is going to demolish them this weekend.  PICK: Seattle

NYG (pick em) at DALLAS: With Romo injured in record time for Dallas, Dak Prescott now has a chance to be the guy.  He's got all the weapons in place, but I don't think he will be quite as good as he showed in the preseason.  Even though they scored like four points in the preseason, I'm taking the NYG here.  PICK: NYG

DETROIT (+3.5) at INDIANAPOLIS: Two things I don't get coming into this season: the hype surrounding the Colts yet again, and the lofty expectations for Matthew Stafford.  Both will underwhelm.  PICK: Detroit

NEP (+6) at ARIZONA: We in the desert baby!  As if that wasn't enough, the Pats are without Tom Brady.  If the preseason was any indication, Jimmy Garoppolo is toast in this game.  PICK: Arizona (No Doubter)
(Garoppolo's car)

PITTSBURGH (-3) at WASHINGTON: Late last year we established that the Redskins hadn't played anybody good to get to 9-7 and win the NFC East.  They then proceeded to get stomped by the Packers in the playoffs.  Up against another big test in Pittsburgh, I think the Skins flounder again.  Also, I can't wait for Josh Norman to be a bust.  PICK: Pittsburgh

LOS ANGELES (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO: Remember before when I was talking about the Ryan brothers as coaches.  The same theory rings true for the Rams.  After watching Hard Knocks, it appears that they are coached by a pretty large collection of imbeciles led by Jeff Fisher and Gregg Williams.  Fortunately this week, they are facing an equal match in Chip Kelly and his band of nitwits.  If the Raiders are my darlings this year, these two teams will be deep in my doghouse.  PICK: LA

Enjoy week 1 everybody!  

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